We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
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[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
My birth announcement for our third baby
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?