Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Pizza is an emotion right?
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*