Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I hope this email punches you square in the face
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here