teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
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If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Covid like
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]