ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
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INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Every damn time
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.