Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
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It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Every work call, he judges.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”