Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
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“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID