Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
relationship goals