Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
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“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you