*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
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Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
that de-escalated quickly
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats