*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
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me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts