I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
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25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Netflix: We have Less
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.