Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
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My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.