[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
You Might Also Like
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
describing stardew valley
My birthstone is a marshmallow
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
#Caturday
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”