*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
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Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Worst Native American name ever.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT