one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
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There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.