We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
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Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Order here:
More here:
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.