I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
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MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.