Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
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Saving my good tweets for marriage
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good