My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
The Weeknd is back
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever