I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*