A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Ape together strong
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.