Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat