gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
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I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.