2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
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3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
How is it still this week?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”