There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
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I know
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Going to church you guys need anything
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
WHY?!
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?