“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
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He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.