You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
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The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My love language is deader than Latin
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts