I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
i wish i could marry a nap
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
new career option?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late