[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
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HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
can’t talk my ride’s here
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”