Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
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I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
sir, my pâté if you please
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas