Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
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I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Has there ever been a more American story?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
So sick of all these stupid rules
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”