I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
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“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
No. YOU-buprofen.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.