In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
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No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.