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[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?