You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.