Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
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My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
japanese corn
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.