Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
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Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese