Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
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how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.