I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
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What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name