PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
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Very suspicious that this keeps happening
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully