not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
shit just got real
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT