Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
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If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My dog ate my work from home.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
damn he’s good
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.