You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
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*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Yup
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.