The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
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My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That鈥檚 the last time I go to a search party.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Sorry I鈥檓 late, my toddler declared independence.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
At my daughter鈥檚 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she鈥檚 eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she鈥檇 ever actually met a 4yo.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Gorilla vs. cold water 馃槀
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don鈥檛 know what it鈥檚 for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Is your wife single?
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where鈥檚 your car
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
In my town it鈥檚: Package delivered, here鈥檚 a picture of it at someone else鈥檚 house