[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
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My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
a fate I wish upon no one
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?