@senderblock23: *uses ipad as a phone* Hey look at me i'm a hobbit
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@Donna_McCoy: Just go ahead and put "She always had to pee" on my tombstone, because that's how everyone's going to remember me.
@JermHimselfish: I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
@Tommytoughstuff: [Arguing with a guy over who's tougher] *takes toothpick from mouth* "When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce."
@zachreinert03: Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car