[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
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I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
12. I think about this all the damn time
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee