*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
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hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.