Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
the noise i just made
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?