*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
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Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Trying
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Weirdos gonna weird.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Woke up with morning Yule Log
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.