Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
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Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me: